Bro, the struggle to sit-down and write this post? Whew, chile. Now that I think about it, the struggle to do just about anything this month has been harder than imaginable. If I had to pick one word to describe this month of March for me, it would definitely be: deadassthemosthellishmonthi’vehadinalongggtime. That’s one word right?
But in all honesty, it feels like this month was specially curated to be quite awful by the devil himself. Sidenote: I have a few CHOICE words for that n**** for fucking up my flow this month. Stupid bitch. Any who, I’ve also struggled with feeling like I’ve lost all sense of myself, the things that bring me joy, the goals I’ve set to accomplish during Q1, and definitely put an unspoken strain on my personal relationships. Yet, try as I might, pulling myself together and focusing on the many positives in my life has proven to be much harder than usual.
About a week ago *Shmurda voice* WEEK AGOOO! Actually it was almost 2 weeks ago, but I wanted an excuse to say #FreeBobbyShmurda. If the NYPD is finna take 6ix9ine, at least let me get Bobby back. I’m not asking for too much. So about 2 weeks ago I was chilling at home, drinking wine, and watching Netflix, when out of nowhere I broke out into the ugliest cry nobody should ever witness. I’m talking about that uncontrollable gasping for air kind of cry. I’ve never been the woman who cries “unnecessarily” (unless I’m laughing, haha I cry quite often then). Cause like why? I just don’t see the point. That night though, I simply couldn’t control it no matter how much I wanted/needed to.
Somehow during my JT cry me a river session, I realized my tears were much bigger than the unexplainable moment I was experiencing. We all know what our “normal” or whole self looks like on a day to day basis and what steps must be taken should we ever fall out of sync with our norm. Typically, when I feel out of sync with myself, there’s generally some explanation for it. Most likely that explanation is a result of some external factor i.e. stress at work, tension within personal or familial relationships, Beyoncé hasn’t released a new album, you know, regular life shit. External factors I can handle. Over the years I’ve learned not to let people, places, or things easily affect who I am, what I believe, or the things I say. Therefore when I feel or am put in situations that threaten, stress, or don’t align with that, I know it’s not worth my energy. And when it’s not worth energy, pero, what is stress?
However, this was different. These feelings stemmed from something occurring internally. What was it? I have no idea and still have no idea. & you know, I’m ok with that. I’m becoming more accepting of not having all the answers and solutions. Most days I would walk around like “really sis, where is your head right now?” and other days I’m more understanding and forgiving that this is just another phase in life that’ll surely pass. Also the fact that Mercury was in retrograde the ENITRE month of March also helps me feel a likkle less crazy.
In hindsight, taking time away from my normal routine was much needed. It gave me time to disconnect and focus solely on myself. As shitty as this month has been, it’s simultaneously been very educational. Here are a few things I learned.
- I don’t have to apologize for needing to distance myself. When ready, I can give explanations to those I feel deserve one. Until then, the point is to focus on how I feel right now.
- The last few months have been extremely career orientated. As a result, I barely listened to my own voice. Tuning out the outside world and listening to what’s within me, even if it’s silence, has been golden.
- Limit communication. I’m decent with words if you haven’t already noticed. This month tho, not so much. Giving my words with clear direction has helped avoid putting unnecessary strains on external relationships.
- I am ok! Even if I don’t feel it in this moment, in my heart, I know I am. Accepting my current self has helped ease the weirdness of this month.
Even though the last two weeks of March have been overwhelming, I constantly reminded myself that it only affects me if I let it. If your March has been anything like mine, here’s my biggest takeaway: remember to speak with intent and understand why you might feel more emotional than usual. Let that influence how you act and react. Keep your mind clear and your attitude positive, and you’ll get through it! Until next time, xx – I