*cues All I Want for Christmas Is You (MC version) intro* ahem *SANGSSS*— IiiiIIIIiiiiIIIIIIII don’t want a lot for Christmas…
Happy Holidays Family! Aren’t you just excited to finally be knee deep in the holiday season? I absolutely adore Christmas and all the glorious holiday music, food, and enjoyment that come along with this time of year. Honestly, I’m a little nervous for my future children. I swear I will be THAT mom who gets the holiday season going as soon as November 1st hits. I’m talking Christmas lights, music, decorations, fashion, and the whole 9. Lol just keep my babies in your prayers.
Now I’m not keen on giving out some of my tips and tricks for free (ya girl is about start to charging a consulting fee lol), but being as though I have my winter candles lit, wine in my system, and the DC3 8 Days of Christmas album blasting through my speakers, I guess you can say I’m feeling the Christmas spirit.
While I like to think my blog caters to both men and women, I’m gonna have to politely ask that all my ladies (sn: Am I the only Nigerian that breaks into Iyanya’s Kukere whenever I hear/say ‘All my ladies’?) take a back seat this week because this post is 100% for the men dem. Actually let me rephrase, ladies, if you are reading this, I encourage you to share this post with your boyfriends, ex-lover you still messing with, fuck thangs, situationships, and your neighbor TyTy from down the block who just can’t seem to do better. This is a must read for them all.
Hey Fellas! How y’all doing? Well c’mon and sit down, grab a drink, your laptop, credit card, prophylactics, and whatever else you may need and get real comfortable. This post is for you.
Every year I receive questions from my guy friends asking what would be an appropriate gift for the women in their life for ChristmaKwanzaKah. My immediate response is usually “How don’t you know what your girl likes?” and more often than not, their reply is something along the lines of “That’s not my girl.” Okkk…pero like why are you wasting my time with this question then?! -__- Call me the modern day Grinch, but I don’t see the good in buying presents for a current situationship if you know good and damn well the shit is not going to last past Martin Luther King Jr. Day. But I digress.
However, let’s just say you are genuinely gift shopping for your main of the moment out of the goodness of your heart [and not because sis dropped 1 or 20 hints about the new pair of boots she wants this year], I’m here to make sure you don’t fuck up her Christmas with gifts that you incorrectly think she wants.
If your girl is anything like me, trust me when I say she’s only keeping you around until the weather warms up. It’s way too cold outside to travel between our usual rotation, so in the winter, we tend to settle on the closest man with the warmest apartment. So, I carefully curated a list of my Top 5 presents you should avoid giving this Christmas.
10 GIFTS WOMEN DON’T WANT THIS HOLIDAY SZN
in no particular order
- Promise rings: First of all, are we 15 years old? Boyyy, if you don’t remove that promise ring from my line of vision. I don’t want it, never asked for it, and will never ask for one. Give us the real thing or nothing at all.
- Invitations to any of the following: Christmas family dinner, work holiday party, your best friends NYE celebration, or your sisters couples only retreat. Dude, we just started kickin’ it 4 weeks ago. I am not obligated to show up to any holiday functions with you. Not my responsibility, don’t ask.
- Lingerie: I. AM. NOT. YOUR. WOMAN. But if you feel so inclined to waste your money on lingerie for me, please know that I will be wearing it for everyone else but you just for making such a stupid decision.
- Stuff your ex-girl liked that I NEVER mentioned (s/o to JanetDior for this one): Like really bro? I’m allergic to chocolate and my favorite flowers are definitely NOT lilies. That’s all your ex-girl Sharon. Take that shit back.
- Clothes you saw on some random IG model that you assumed I’d look good in.
- #1: You’re probably right. I would look good in that red sequenced dress, but I did not ask nor do I want you to be the one to purchase it for me.
- #2: We don’t all want to look like we shopped from the same Fashion Nova x Amber Rose collection. Thank u, next.
- Dick appointments disguised as “Quality Time:” Sir, we both know why you’re here and I rather not spend the next 45 minutes pretending to be interested in what’s happening in your life. This Christmas comes on at 9:00 pm on BET and I rather not miss the intro.
- Gift Cards: Honestly fam, throw the whole card away. Nothing says “I picked this up for you while I was waiting in line to play the lotto at 7/11” more than a trash ass gift card. I’m good.
- Commitment of any kind: Before y’all troll, let me just say fellas, if you have a good woman who’s into you just as much as you are into her, well…frankly, I don’t know why you’re reading this post. Go live happily in bliss.But for everyone else, keep your commitment. Please don’t let the joy of the holiday season confuse you. This is only temporary. Plus, if no one is going to tell you, let me be the first to say “taking the next step” on any holiday is corny AF. So now I have to celebrate Christmas and our anniversary on the same day? Umm, no. Let Jesus have his day and I mine. Questions to stay away from:
- What are we?
- When are we going to make this thing official?
- What do I have to do to make you mine?
- Would you be my woman?
- Will you marry me?
- Text from your exes: I did not sign up to be a part of this week’s Maury special. I also don’t particularly care about what is going on between you, Kiki, KB, and Resha. I do, however, understand that nobody wants to spend the holidays alone. But my dude, do me a favor? Inform the girls that I do not want you. Periodt. This is all for shits and giggles until the weather gets warm. So do whatever you need to do to keep everyone in check because I. WANT. NO. PARTS.
- Repurposed gifts: I don’t even have to explain this one. You tried it though. Again, nothing is better than a thoughtless gift.
Men, now that you know better, please do better. It’ll be the greatest gift you can give anyone this holiday season. Be sure to share this post! I’m sure there’s at least one soul that could use the help. Happy Holidays Family! Until next time, xx –I.
Honorable mentions from my friends: STDs, overly wet and sloppy head, weed breath, IOU promises (meals, trips, gifts, etc.), gifts suggestive of a servant (cleaning supplies, vacuum diaper bags, etc.), cookbooks, story line on LHHNY to “help” promote your rap career, cheapy last minute gifts, etc.
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